morning person, party person, dumb person.
they said to stay away from the drugs, the silly music, the whores and the liars, but who were we to be told anything? do they not realize the times we are living in? fast times. fast cars, fast reputations, fast food, fast fast fast. and they never told us the reasons why - exactly why it was all so forbidden, and how exactly we would Get Fucked. And well officers, maybe if you did we would never have been curious in the first place. Because that is exactly what we set out here to do, to quench our feline curiosity. And so the world laughed with us, rang their bells and let us into their cars and cabs and trees and lawns. WE SHALL PASS OUT WHEREVER WE CHOOSE! we hollered and hooted, running home before the law ran us out first. at the proposition of 25 seconds of love versus an eternity of never knowing the word, i chose the latter.
And yet, I love waking up in strange places. I love it more than waking up, and it’s been a wild and reckless few years I wouldn’t trade in for the sun on my back. we’ve been everywhere we’ve needed to be. we’ve been even farther than that. we traveled and we danced and we’ve seen oceans break at our feet. Cape Verde is where my heart is beating, is where my feet get soaked in the sand and where my mom took me every summer - fleeing the city for a reminder of where i truly belong. home isn’t the cement you stand on my dear, she speaks to me.
we sit here stranded with our faces looking down at the grass, picking the grass, throwing the grass at each other. we revert back to our youths for a moment or so, and the nostalgia hits me twice as hard. i miss being a kid. you tell me i’m still a kid but it’s different, and kid is not even the word. i miss not knowing anything. i miss being truly naive. and i miss not knowing that every good thing is like sand swallowed up by the tide. every bad thing is a shell of a skin you’ve shed, and it is left on the shore to remind you that it is quite heavy indeed. i want to un-know it it all. i want to smile so hard that the wrinkles set in and i know that, there, I once managed to pull off a smile.
And I know, I know you think I’m no good. The truth is I prefer it that way. I’m not a grieving asshole, I’m just an asshole. I’m not missing you, I’m missing the sensation. I’ve never heard a word I didn’t challenge, never fought a battle I didn’t think I could win. I’ll fight for it with the last beat of my heart. I’m not forgetful or apprehensive, I’ll remember the times we’ve shared, whoever you are, but they don’t mean anything to me at all. the repetition gets to me, but it doesn’t make me who I am. but let me tell you what has gotten to me: the chemistry. the poison. the alcohol and the drugs. they never warned us but you see, they didn’t know themselves how much more apathetic you can get given enough serotonin going one hundred miles in the wrong direction. baby it’s so hard to explain to you. it’s so hard. but it’s never going to happen. and if it does, it’ll break you. and I need you in one piece, because someday i’ll come crying to you in a million.
